I swear every day I move on auto pilot. I have no idea what to expect yet nothing is unexpected. I am trying to work for a future. I am trying to create goals and do what I have to do to achieve them, trying to prepare for a future that I can't even begin to imagine being real. I feel like I am just a vague existence, here only in motion. I know I can't be making any sense right now because I can't even put together my own thoughts to describe it. It's like I continue to exist because I have to, for my daughters, and for my grandma.... but if it wasn’t for them I would crumble up and fade away. I try to find the emotion I once had in my life but now there is just emptiness where I know I should be feeling pain. There is annoyance where I should be feeling understanding and there is nothing when it comes to seeing a vision of my future it's just black. Looking into the future is exactly the same vision and feeling as I get from trying to reflect on my past. It simply does not exist. I could describe it as seeing the very moment that you are in, for that exact moment. Looking forward or looking backward, all I see is black. Nothing. The moments before it had never even existed, vanished from my mind, and the moments to follow could not be foreseen. Empty space where memories and visions should occupy my mind.
I stumbled across a moment when I saw a flash of light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope. Everything finely seemed to have a meaning. The ice around my heart started to slowly melt. Motions started feeling more natural and less robotic. A few smiles my lips may even have formed. Speaking of lips, I think that’s what got me. His lips touching mine, taking my breath away and filling my lungs with desire. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me. The devil in disguise begging me to eat the apple and I dove right in. The juice from that apple was sweeter than any juice that had ever touched my lips. My heart was beating faster than I think it ever did. A fire lit inside my heart, inside my mind. I let the feeling consume me. It gave me power. It gave me life. It gave me reason. That apple was pure magic. The hypnotizing eyes of lust. The touch of his fingers, the sound of his voice, the beat of his heart and the warmth of his lips on mine, hypnotized my mind. I never wanted the moment to end.
I believe in Karma. I believe that all the bad things that have happened in my life lately I have brought upon myself. I traded my moment of paradise for having to deal with these moments of hell. You see I knew better, I had already eaten from this same tree. I already knew the evils that came with that dream. Pandora's box. Only I knew what was inside and still set it free. Hmmm... Maybe he's my Kryptonite. Maybe he's my dream... Maybe I just can't control myself at even the thought of his name. I get shivers up my spine. My breath gets deep, my heart races, and I get wet in all the right places. I know that ours is of lust and ends abruptly... But it's beautiful to me. I would trade all the evils for that feeling.
Back to reality, it was a great vacation. It's an amazing thing when you are surrounded by your motivation. In the end though, your motivation is yourself. No time in life to cry over spilled milk. Moving on......
Here I am again, vague in existence. Carrying on because I have to. I cannot stop.
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