Why do i feel dead inside? I feel like the world is caving in. Everything that can happen is or has. I am working my butt off and the craziest shit just seems to fall right in front of my path. I keep picturing myself walking down this beautiful path smiling away, confident about everything I have been working so hard for and then bam! A brick wall falls down from the sky almost crushing me and completely blocks my path! Like what the hell? Why me? The devil has it out for me I swear. I keep pushing... My brain is working hard to stay positive, no matter what brick falls in my path. I feel like whly e coyote. He keep chasing that damn Roadrunner and he wants to catch him at all costs. He continues to try  harder and harder and no matter what he does somehow he always gets blown up or crushed by his own dumb luck. He never catches that damn bird!  I intend to catch the bird. I don't care if I have to steel a crain and knock a wall down, I am not giving up this time! Bring on the walls!! 
I am so confident, or at least I am trying to be. Its hard tho because I feel so alone in the world. When I care, I care alot.  But I have grown to an age where life is to short to argue so I am really quick to walk away from anything that causes me frustration or just doesn't interest me. 
I know my future is coming. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but the darkness lingers around me like thick dark malasis. I think positive thoughts. I pretend to care. I act alive when I feel dead. I do not want to be here! Where I am at in life. I am living a lie. 
I remember when I was young, day in and day out my only wish was to disappear. Fall asleep, wake up to a whole new life. My homelife was way harder then than it ever is now. 
I don't want to fall asleep and become someone else anymore. I love myself. I mean I am learning to love the person I am working so hard to become. I just want to become the "Me" I know I was meant to be and can be again if I stop worrying about what my heart always tells me to do.  
There's a quote, tho i am not sure wrote it, it says "The secret to failure is tryng to make everyone else happy."  Here lies a huge truth for me.  This is to blame, in part, for my feelings of emptiness inside. I am exactly where I am supposed to be IF I am trying to make everyone I care about happy. Therefore, I am at complete odds with myself. I want the people I care about to all be happy. I try to be SuperStephanie and make sure to guard each and every person that is close to me as if they were my child.  I have a fear of hurting people's feelings. I don't want to make anyone mad. I am a protecter, i care, i love to much, that stuff is all that my heart is thinking. I have always let my heart rule my life. That was until I finelly got fed up with being fed up. "I will never live up to my greatness when I am living someone else's happyniss in trade for my own misery. Just the same, I can't let my heart keep me from the  future I deserve...
I used to be "someone". In fact, I have had some great people in my life that have helped drag me out of my shell and realize just how many talents that I do have.  K.Le DaVincci, was a major part of this.  Although he was very demanding of me and pissed me off more than a little bit... He showed me how to push myself. He showed me that I could be whatever I wanted to be in life if I believed in myself, didn't give up, and I put in all the work.  If I wasn't there yet I had better fake it til I was because he was not affraid to throw me under the bus for anything just to end my fears... He also taught me that_ if you didn't try, there was no way anything could ever happen. There was no being shy around him. So yes, I forever thank him for that. 
So what happened with him you ask?  Well, prime example,  I caught myself thinking with my heart.  Not my mind, my mind was ready! I believed in myself. I believed in us. We were building something that would have turned out to be amazing had we just stayed on the nessesary path and followed it all the way out. We had the power at pur fingertips to create our dream to live for the rest of our lives.
Feelings! Who the hell needs those things? I swear there has to be some drug for people like me that have this crazy chromosome or whatever it may be that lacks the ability to fight my brain.... Which knows exactly what to do and knows what could go wrong and even throws up every roadsign possible. Obviously, a heart has no ears becauce because no matter what my mind says to it.... It never listens. It destroys everything, never fails. 
When I am alone I feel like the queen of the world.  I don't get tired. I do what I want, my kids don't worry about shit and my life is amazing. Without my heart I could rule the world.  
I say all this because dispite knowing exactly what I need to do, here I am 4 years after the last time my heart decided to take control. Everything I worked hard for disappeared into only a vague past memory of my super self. Who has proof of memories? No body cares who you were. It only matters who you are today. How can I ever be where I want to be if my heart takes over my mind. I wish I could just wrip it out and hide it for awhile.  I know I would be so much more successful on my without it. I would be networking with like minded people and seeking possitive competition to make me grow even more. 
Where I stand at in my life at this very moment is covered in quicksand. I can feel my self falling deeper and my mind is searching endlessly for a rope to pull myself out. But, how do I find myself without hurting him? Or does it even matter? I want me. I need to become who I was meant to be. I feel like I am trapped in a locked box despretaly trying to break out and be free. 
I found this freedom I speak of a short time ago.  It was the rare moment I met most likely the only person in my life that makes me feel at complete peace, within my heart, my mind, and my soul. He brings out the best of me, shows me exactly how life is suppost to be. My soulmate. Maybe. Maybe not. But like the eagle sours.... He came to show his presence then raised his wings and vanished into thin air as quicky as he appeared; Only leaving being his words of encouragement and smile in my dreams, was he even real? Maybe he was just a dream himself....??

Me and my self-discovery of self.

I swear every day I move on auto pilot. I have no idea what to expect yet nothing is unexpected.  I am trying to work for a future.  I am trying to create goals and do what I have to do to achieve them, trying to prepare for a future that I can't even begin to imagine being real.  I feel like I am just a vague existence, here only in motion.  I know I can't be making any sense right now because I can't even put together my own thoughts to describe it.  It's like I continue to exist because I have to, for my daughters, and for my grandma.... but if it wasn’t for them I would crumble up and fade away.   I try to find the emotion I once had in my life but now there is just emptiness where I know I should be feeling pain.  There is annoyance where I should be feeling understanding and there is nothing when it comes to seeing a vision of my future it's just black.  Looking into the future is exactly the same vision and feeling as I get from trying to reflect on my past.  It simply does not exist.  I could describe it as seeing the very moment that you are in, for that exact moment.  Looking forward or looking backward, all I see is black. Nothing. The moments before it had never even existed, vanished from my mind, and the moments to follow could not be foreseen. Empty space where memories and visions should occupy my mind. 

I stumbled across a moment when I saw a flash of light at the end of the tunnel.  A glimmer of hope.  Everything finely seemed to have a meaning. The ice around my heart started to slowly melt.  Motions started feeling more natural and less robotic.  A few smiles my lips may even have formed.   Speaking of lips, I think that’s what got me. His lips touching mine, taking my breath away and filling my lungs with desire.  Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me.  The devil in disguise begging me to eat the apple and I dove right in.  The juice from that apple was sweeter than any juice that had ever touched my lips.  My heart was beating faster than I think it ever did.  A fire lit inside my heart, inside my mind.  I let the feeling consume me.  It gave me power.  It gave me life.  It gave me reason.  That apple was pure magic.  The hypnotizing eyes of lust.  The touch of his fingers, the sound of his voice, the beat of his heart and the warmth of his lips on mine, hypnotized my mind.  I never wanted the moment to end.  

I believe in Karma.  I believe that all the bad things that have happened in my life lately I have brought upon myself.  I traded my moment of paradise for having to deal with these moments of hell.  You see I knew better, I had already eaten from this same tree.  I already knew the evils that came with that dream.  Pandora's box.  Only I knew what was inside and still set it free.  Hmmm... Maybe he's my Kryptonite. Maybe he's my dream... Maybe I just can't control myself at even the thought of his name.  I get shivers up my spine.  My breath gets deep, my heart races, and I get wet in all the right places.  I know that ours is of lust and ends abruptly... But it's beautiful to me.  I would trade all the evils for that feeling.  

Back to reality, it was a great vacation.  It's an amazing thing when you are surrounded by your motivation.  In the end though, your motivation is yourself.  No time in life to cry over spilled milk.  Moving on...... 

Here I am again, vague in existence.  Carrying on because I have to.  I cannot stop. 

Prison Talk

I have sat here staring at these dingy white walls in this big ass depressing house for nearly three and a half years now. Three and a half years and never once has this house felt like a home. But, this is really the longest I have ever sat down in one place. If it wasn't for meeting baby I know I would have jumped and ran a long time ago. They say everything happens for a reason. I believe the only reason life's paths brought me here to Little Rock, Arkansas is so that I could be with him. So yesterday I started to tell you about one chapter of my life. One that disappeared into my past, locked in a box and buried deep within my mind.  Let me fast forward to another chapter.... How the hell I ended up in Little Rock..... So far away from Miami, so far from my dreams. I often wonder where I would be now if at the time I hit a crossroads, a fork in the road, I would have chose another path. It was Miami, to chase my dreams.... Or.... Follow a different kind of dream... Love. I had fell in love with words. The words packed with lies, false hopes, a future based on a fiction story. A love that was only real in my mind. Days and weeks and months on end we wrote back and forth. Him, locked behind prison bars and living his own dream through me. Knowing it was only his way of making it through those long, lonely, empty nights. But to me as I wrote for hours on end, day after day, night after night, page after page... after page... I poured my heart out. I let all my guards down and I let his words, as I read them or heard them, sarinate me. Carry me away to a place to escape from every reality, I literately was living in a dream world, creating a whole new me. Deon Monai became me. My newly created state of mind... Dedication... A step into a whole new world I knew nothing about. But was going to dive into head first. Those prison letters brought me hope. Something to look forward to. Someone mentoring me, encouraging me to work my ass off and better myself. To become somebody. Make a name for myself, so when he got out from behind those bars, together we would make magic. Conquer the world. But, that dream, just like the dream it created, crashed when prison boy walked right out of my life like I never even existed. I was there before he left and I was there throughout, only to be left in the same manner I left him, I guess I kind of deserved it. So yeah, Here I am. Little Rock, Arkansas. Left and alone. White girl in the hood, by herself, two daughters, doing tattoos to survive. The hood loved me. Sucked me in and I been stuck since. Now, notice I said the hood loved me, not, I loved the hood. Its nothing wrong with it, if its for you. But me? This just ain't where I am supposed to be. Well.... Now you know why I moved to Little Rock, now to learn how the journey evolved.

Letters From A Soldier. May 2002

We all have that first love that just didn't work no matter how hard you try... That young love where the world is still filled with the idea that this first love was going to last forever and be nothing but a fairytale and instead it turns to tears and falls apart and it crushes you so bad but you eventually grow up. You grow up and learn to let go. Learn that life goes on and your going to keep on living and trying to make it in a great big world all by yourself. Life doesn't wait on you. Wow... And guess what.. I made a lot of messed up choices in my life after all that happened. But, oh well. If I didn't, then I wouldn't have nothing to write about now would I? Ok, yeah that was a little bit of  ranting but anyways...... Once upon a time.... Back in 2000, i was like 20 and for some dumb reason.... I couldn't tell you why now.... I wanted to piss my Grandma off so I did the worst possible thing I could imagine at the time and joined the carnival. Lord knows i didn't last but a couple days but in those couple days I met Lief. He wasn't cute to me at all... At that time.... He grew on me tho because he had the kindest sweetest heart I had really ever met at the time.... Like I said... We didn't have no where to go... I had just got out the Air Force earlier that year, mind you I was only in for a month. The longest month of my life but thats a whole nother story.  So I decided to go see my Mom and her horrible no good husband of the time and try to patch up a relationship. I don't think I spoke to them in a couple years before that. But, I decided to suck up my hatred and talk to them because I knew his mother had just passed and she left behind this little bitty shit hole of a house and we needed somewhere to stay. That house was made for short people I swear cuz the ceiling where so low some places I actually had to duck to walk through. It was bad. The house was nasty but it was all we could do at the time. We cleaned it up and made the best of it. We were young and in love so we were happy. So happy in fact, we decided we wanted a baby and we weren't gonna give up til we got one.  Well thats when we got pregnant with Sariah. We moved to a little town a little down the road in Iowa. Got an apartment an got some pretty big fights. His older brother stayed with us for a while... Drank like a fish.... I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing....but in June we had Sariah. Well four months later we got married at the encouragement of his Mormon Father and Step-Mother. Moved in to a farm house and a  few weeks later I just knew I was pregnant again. Leif's temper was something I really couldn't deal with through that time. Every time I had to wake him up I would have to hear all the most volgur names He could find. But he did love his family... I think. To be honest who really knew what love was really like back then.... True or fiction? I don't  know. But a few months later he was gone. Off to the Army.... Now wasn't that a journey..... A huge path I was about to walk down. A big part of me learning about life and a peace of my life just like others.... That seems like it all never really happened.... Like it was an old tv series i remember watching long ago.... Anyway like I said.... Change is something I do on a daily basis. Call me crazy..... But hey, thats me. So without further adoo... I give you.....

Letters From A Soldier...

D'Monai.... Welcome to My Story.

June 17, 2015

D'Monai.... Welcome to My Story.

Well here's where I begin. There's so many different paths and windy roads I have takin in my life. Just as in anyone else's lives there's been ups and downs highs and lows bridges both crossed and burned and here is where I share my stories with you. Maybe, just maybe a few of you can relate as you follow me on my journey through this hard knock life.
First off as you are completely clueless who I am let me introduce myself. Deon Monai. Yep thats me, well, the name I took on during a time in my life where change was something I longed for and needed which is something I do alot of. Change.... Yes I take pride in being different than everyone else.... Which you will see as the days go by and you follow me through all trials and tribulations in my life. So sit back and enjoy.... Love me, hate me, be it what you will... Let me know your thoughts....maybe you may tell me something that will inspire my next journey.... Or at least give me something else to rambel on about.